Introducing Len

Len the sheep, aged 39, took his clipboard out of the van, fastened his clip-on tie onto a scruff of wool on his neck and …

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Cynthia Appletree

As the old lady put the kettle on, Len made himself comfortable at the kitchen table. “What a lovely kitchen you have Mrs..?” “Appletree. Cynthia …

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Jimmy the Gopher

f you’ve ever had chance to chat to a sheep – then they’ve likely told you about the problems they’ve endured trying to fill out …

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In the Bookies with Phil the Whippet

Seems you owe me a bit of money, Len my friend” Jimmy the Gopher said sinisterly, chewing a toothpick dangling from the corner of his …

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Credit Trouble

Len and Bert stood outside the bookmakers counting their change. “How much do you have?” Len asked. “60p” Bert replied. “How much do you have …

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Spaghetti Hoops

Back and Len and Bert’s house at number 23 Cherry Bakewell Avenue, Len was sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. Bert was putting …

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Back and Len and Bert’s house at number 23 Cherry Bakewell Avenue, Len was sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. Bert was putting the kettle on.

The newspaper said that Madame Rosalita (the cow) was staying at the East Finchley Hilton the night before the auction. A devious plan was forming in Len’s head.

“Would you like some corned beef, Len?”

“No thank you – have we got any spaghetti hoops?”

“No, we’ve just got corned beef.”

“I don’t like corned beef – I like spaghetti hoops!”

“But we haven’t got any!”

“Why not – I put them on the list didn’t I??”

“I didn’t have enough money for corned beef and spaghetti hoops – and I like corned beef so…”

“Just forget it!! This is more important!! Now sit down and I’ll explain the plan!”

“Ok… I’ll just pour the tea.”

Bert poured the tea into two chipped mugs, placed a mug in front of Len and sat down across from him.

“Ok.. listen up. ” Len said, “here’s the plan… ” He unrolled a map of East Finchley and held stopped in unrolling using a salt shaker and a bottle of ketchup. He then took a sip of his tea. “The way I see it is… Hang on, there’s no milk in this tea…”

“We don’t have any milk… The milkmans not been yet.”

“What are you talking about the milkmans not been yet… It’s half passed 5 in the afternoon!!”

“I know, but he still hasn’t been.”

“I’m going to have words with him when I see him.”

Len took another sip of tea and continued with his plan…

“This is what we’re going to do. Get plenty of rest in the next couple of hours, Bert because it’s going to be a long long night…”

ABOUT HIS LORDSHIP

Lord Likely was a renowned member of the English aristocracy in the Victorian era. Tales of his exhilarating, enthralling and highly erotic exploits were legendary, but only now have his own, personal diaries resurfaced (found in a branch of Help the Aged in Swindon), shedding light on the life of this extraordinary eccentric.

Warning: these journals contain material that some people may find terribly offensive, or incredibly arousing

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